a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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