the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
