Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
