So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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