Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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