I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I need a beard to bite.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
