so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
