the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
