Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
