Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
