I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
