why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
