are you still at the devil's house?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
