So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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