Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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