my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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