i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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