Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
