he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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