don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
