I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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