last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
