He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
