At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
My balls are so social today.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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