sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize