I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
