Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
