It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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