Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
