Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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