i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize