I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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