Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
