I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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