I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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