I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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