Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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