i just sent this text using only my big toe
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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