The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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