why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
