So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
two words: eviction party
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
