I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
