Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
