don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
