I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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