It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
