So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
