After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
