I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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