Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
