wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
