I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize