Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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