he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
