Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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