i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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