My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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