He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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