hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
