I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
