Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
