i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
