Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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