I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
