ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
